3 months since

“3 months since”



May 29, 2008

Today is another ordinary BORING day without Tina.  Since February 29th, this whole house has been nothing but a depressing hell hole.  Now I have to become the woman Tina always told me to be, and try my hardest to support my mom in the best way I can.  When the cops knocked on my door, the first thing that popped up was james' whole name.  Before they even spoke, I knew something bad happened.


DETECTIVES: "tina has been assaulted & the both of you need to go to the hospital."

MOMMY: [ in ASL ] "what wrong Tina? sick again? what happen?"

DETECTIVES: "your mom has to come right now. No questions asked."

MOMMY: "cant. me wash clothes. i finish then see Tina."

DETECTIVES: "NO! it's very important for the both of you to go see tina. She's in bad condition. She cannot move and she cannot speak."

MOMMY: [ looks at me confused ].


For a 15 year old girl, it wasn't really a WHOOP! WHOOP! to hear any of that.  I stood home finishing up the laundry while my mom went to the hospital.  When I finished, I stood home debating whether I should go or not, because i felt as if Tina died, but i believed that she was too strong to die.  I got queasy and scared of what I might hear.


I called my friend Karla, and I told her what was going on, and how I felt this type of pain.  A pain that only a sister would have, & can tell.  I told her I didn't wanna go, because I don't wanna hear "samantha, your sister's dead."  Karla said  "mami listen, your sister's not dead.  she's probably sick.  And i think you should go cause she might need you there."  While me and Karla were on the phone, the detective called again on the other line, I picked up and he said, "be downstairs in 10 minutes."  The adrenaline rushed through my body and I really didn't know what to expect. I kept jingling my mothers keys to help calm me down.  He walked me to the room, and when he opened the door, I saw mommy's red eyes filled with tears and puffed up from the crying she did. She looked at me scared of what I was going to hear.  Then I looked behind her, and it was Tina's dad, Edwin.  I wanted to run out of the hospital and throw my body against the cold, wet, concrete because I KNEW I was gonna hear this.  I snapped out of my daze when,


FEMALE DETECTIVE: "samantha right? sit down."

ME: "nah. uh. I wanna stand."

FEMALE DETECTIVE: "okay. ummmm. [ asks doctor ] can I tell her instead?...samantha sweetie....your sister died."


Those words still haunt me every single day.  I sat down and burst in tears.  Everyone tried to comfort me, but moments like this, I don't like to be touched.  It's devastating news, but to me, it was BEYOND devastating. Tina was all I had.  She was my only best friend, and I felt comfortable with her about everything.  She came first most times, and she backed me up and protected me when mommy and I fought.  Mommy cries again and says "omg.  samantha's lonely.  that was my baby.  omg.......where's james?  why isn't he here?"  I sat there crying hysterically and trying to put the pieces to the puzzle.  I knew james had something with this for some reason.


My accusations and thoughts all lit onto his name.  The doctors ask if Edwin and Mommy wanna see Tina one last time.  They asked me too, but I was too heartbroken and petrified to see my sister, laying on a metal bed, cold and dead.  I prefered to stay in the room, and just think of the good things me and Tina had. I asked for tissue and a phone to use.  Since I didn't remember Benny's number (my brother), I decided to call Karla instead since she was my only comfort.  She picked up the phone and I replied in a mixture of mumbles and talking in between cries.  She asked me what's wrong and I kept taking deep breaths so I can speak clearly so she can understand, but I just couldn't.  It hurted me to say, Tina died. She started guessing out different scenarios so I wouldn't have to speak.  I got irritated and I finally told Karla.  The reply I got was a long silence.  She asked me if I was kidding, but why would I be kidding if I'm crying like a maniac?  Little did I know, I found out Tina's death by detectives and the News.  She also made front cover on the newspaper, lying on a stretcher and you can see the BLOOD all over her face!


I spent a whole month, grieving while James was on the run.  But I thank god each and every single day, that he's in a cold, empty, cell suffering for a huge mistake he made.  He wasn't gonna get away with murder.  God wasn't gonna let him and the family put this in god's hands.  But it sucks to come home to nothing every single day.  I can't even go to Keyfood and tell Tina one funny story that happened in school.  I'm not even the same anymore.  I lost interest in school, I'm always in a daze, and I don't like to do as much things as I used to.  Tina was my motivation to everything.  And she was supposed to be at my sweet 16, my high school graduation, my first real job, and she's gone, just like grandma.  It hurts me so bad, to see how depressed Mommy is.  She got me a laptop yesterday because she couldn't stand me being bored at home, and 'cause I was asking for one since she complains about me using her computer.


I took Tina's advice to gain Mommy's trust, and she lets me do a lot, depending on what I'm doing.  I'm not happy that Tina's gone, but I'm happy that Tina had a big part in my life, and I'm happy that me and Mommy don't fight anymore.  I guess good things do come to those who wait. But I'm always gonna remember that Tina saved my life.  But I wish I could've saved hers.  I tried my best, & look what I got in return. A sister that's never gonna come back......Only in my Dreams.